Chapter VII: Awakening
Jason opened his eyes to see a dark stone room. He heard the sound of someone crying and felt the stone underneath him and then a softer surface. As he stirred, Baka opened here eyes and said through her tears, “Jason?” “Bartholomew...” Jason began. “Bartholomew, is that really you?!” “And he still doesn’t get my name right,” Baka muttered to herself and then wrapped her arms around Jason and said, “I’m just glad you’re okay.” After Jason finished the hug, he stood up and brushed himself off. “Alright Bartleby, now we must-” “Jason!!” Grave Digger shouted. And Jason, in his surprised, pimp slapped his skull out of his place on the hilt. “Gosh... what happened?” Jason mumbled. “You’ve been unconscious for five days,” Baka replied, to which Jason promptly staggered and passed out. After a brief period of unconsciousness, Jason revived again. “How... how exactly did I eat and drink?” he asked. “Oh, that’s simple,” Baka replied. “I chewed all your food for you and then placed it in mouth-to-mouth into your throat, then I massaged your throat to stimulate esophagus’s muscles!” Jason turned around, vomited, and then pimp slapped her. “Well, you shouldn’t have asked then!” Baka exclaimed indignantly, rubbing her cheek. “While I understand your disgust at having Basil’s mouth anywhere near yours, I would appreciate it if you readjusted my head!” shouted Grave Digger. “No, I think I like you better like this,” Baka replied before Jason could say anything, putting her foot on his head. As Jason contemplated the implications of Bernie’s new power (and caught a quick up-skirt for fanservice) he heard the sounds of cracks forming in the walls. “Did I forget to mention that my temple has a seriously delayed self-destruct system?” came Beth’s voice from one of Jason’s two talismans (he didn’t really have time to admire the fact that he had more than one). “So we should amscray.” Jason grabbed Grave Diggers skull and blade as the group made a mad dash for the exit. The trio (or quartet, if you count the disembodied Beth), just made it out of the temple as it collapsed to dust. “Well now what?” panted Baka as they rested at the stump from earlier. “The Ness-Master will know what to do!” Jason proclaimed, pride at having come so far in his journey overwhelming him. Then out of the dust cloud from the fallen temple a figure could be seen. “Nessie, is that you?!” Jason asked. “Yes young heroes it is I, the great sea-beast Nessie. You must travel to the Palace of Shadows to retrieve my third talisman,” Nessie said. The heroes stood in bewilderment at the full size of the beast. “But be warned my heroes, there is... oh, are you kidding me?! This dust call costs 50 cents a secon-” as the dust subsided and Nessie’s message became inaudible. “Jason, I think Nessie wants us to go to the Palace of Shadows!” Baka exclaimed. Jason promptly pimp slapped her and said, “I knew that, n00b! Now let’s head to that Palace. I need more bling for my $W@G necklace!” He than began trudging off towards the mountains in the distance. “Does... does he even know where the Palace of Shadows is?” Grave Digger asked, skeptical. “Pfft, of course I know where I’m heading you n00bz... I’m, uh, just taking the scenic route." “I know where the Palace of Shadows is,” Beth muttered from within the talisman. “All talisman-holding establishments in this dimension get the same magazine, Boss Lair Monthly. I looked through the mailing addresses the other day, and the Palace of Shadows is located at N. 008 Road Street.” “Well since she knows the way, why doesn’t she lead us?” Asked Baka. “Mainly because I don’t have a body, l0ser!” Beth shouted back in reply. Jason took a moment to appreciate Beth’s rich vocabulary before tapping the amulet she was trapped within. “Be my GPS, babe.” “I would, If I had eyes to see with!” “So,” Baka said, trying to add some levity to the monotonous journey, “What happened when you passed out?” “I remember that I was a girl with a r0ckin bod, but then I met people who reminded me of you guys, except Baka you were actually useful. But you were a boy and homie ain’t g@y, so I went solo and hardcore parkoured for the talisman. And then I came back here,” Jason said. “Well that was an... interesting story,” Baka replied, not sure how to handle the new information. As Jason began to help her grasp it, there came a rumbling from the forest. It grew louder and louder until a mighty beast broke through into the clearing. It looked as if a goblin shark had made love to a grizzly bare and then that offspring mated with a giant spider from the Southern Hills. Needless to say, it was ugly and frightening. The group’s horror only grew as it’s gaping maw opened, spilling saliva all over the ground, and, in a great, booming voice, it demanded, “HUG ME!” Baka returned the offer by shooting tear gas into the mighty beast’s face. Unfazed, the beast spread it’s limbs wide, and grasped the trio close to it’s torso. Grave Digger manipulated his sword-self into Jason’s hand in order to fight back against the mutant monster. However, just as he did that, the monster stepped back. “Buddy? Is that you? I haven’t seen you since college, bud!” the monster said. “Steve? Oh wow, it is you, Steve!” Grave Digger replied. “You went to college?” Baka questioned, amazed that Grave Digger ever accomplished anything. “Yes, but that was a long time ago,” Grave Digger replied. “I was a young warlock on my way to becoming the best in the class, but I befriended a witch and... well, you see what happened.” “So you weren’t always the spooky scary skeleton you were before I $w0rd3d the crap out of you?” Jason asked. “Nope! At one point in time I was a young, handsome warlock very interested in necromancy. I met a witch who said she could help me grow a certain bone in particular, and well, she messed up on her chant and instead of growing my, well, my um... my nosebone, she turned me into a skeleton. What are you gonna do?” “Who was this witch who was growing... whatever a nosebone is? “The nosebone is part of your skull and provides most of the support in your nose,” Grave Digger interjected. “And the witch’s name was Phoebe. She was an odd young girl. Ignored by most, but she was always sweet and innocent.” “Oh, enough reminiscing about the past. How are you doing, old friend?” The friendly monster asked politely. “I’ve been better. I’ve gotten a little out of shape. How about you? What have you been doing? Still working at the Palace of Shadows gift shop?” Grave Digger asked. “Wait, you knew someone who worked in the Palace of Shadows and waited until now to mention that?!” Baka exclaimed. “Yes,” Grave Digger replied. “I figured now would be the perfect time.” Were Grave Digger not a sword, Jason would have pimp slapped him across the clearing. As it were he pointed him at Steve and said, “Take us to teh lair n00b. A man of utm0$t $w@g must have his talismans!” Turns out the palace was actually just across that clearing and had a magnificent entrance. “Don’t forget to visit the gift shop on your way out!” Steve yelled as they said their goodbyes, handing them all a bunch of T-Shirts on the house. When Jason put on the shirt it of course ripped because of his sheer swagger and muscles. Baka’s was very form-fitting and showed off her new Gem Body well. And Grave Digger’s took the form of a scabbard on Jason’s shoulder. Why the gift shop sold scabbards was a mystery that only the marketing department could answer, but the group had more important things to concern themselves with as they entered into what can only be described as an amusement park fueled by nightmares. Category:Chapters